this parenting journey is just one big guilt trip

I thought I knew what guilt was but it just so happens that my childhood, with it's fair share of guilt, didn't prepare me for the onslaught of parenting.

It appears that other parents I know weren't prepared either and today we reassured a friend over Facebook that guilt is one of the most undermining emotions that can be felt as a parent.

Sometimes all you need to hear from a fellow mum is that they've 'been there' too and everything is normal. There's been much written about mothers shaming other mothers and the competition between parents. As with any expression of competition I suspect it is evidence that mothers are doing their best to convince themselves that they are doing a good job. However, I recently unliked a Facebook page that was constantly promoting the "year-long yell-free challenge." Gosh - wouldn't it be a disaster if, in the stress of a moment, you raised your voice?

Am I the only one who gets frustrated when you hear a (well meaning) parent who says "Come on Sweetie. Please try not to hit your sister again" with that sing-song voice and without implementing a consequence? I am not advocating for yelling all the time but I don't believe a yell-free household does anything for building resilient children who understand boundaries.

I have reflected on my week so far and devised a list of the parenting choices that I should be feeling much more guilty about.

I
* continued with my quest for a self-settling baby by implementing Tizzie's methods from Save Our Sleep. I assured myself that it's much less harsh in comparison to Gina's Controlled Crying.

* fed my five week old baby, barely making eye contact because I was too busy reading my book.  

* watched mind numbing tv because the issues facing people across the world were getting me down.
*yelled because the kids hadn't completed their jobs chart and we just weren't getting out the door on time.
*used television as a babysitter.
* bribed the kids to eat dinner and then threatened to pack up give away their Lego to less fortunate kids because the bribery of fruit for dessert didn't get me far.
* left the laundry in various piles of unwashed, unsorted and not put away.
* left the washing up in the sink overnight.
* made dinner that wasn't wholemeal, low gi, gourmet or organic enough because the kids just want white, processed pasta with cheese.
* checked Facebook on my phone more than I should because, frankly, playing the mummy-baby game for the twentieth day running is getting dull and I am using, what some people call anti-social media, to make me feel connected with adult friends in my life.
*didn't go to work or earn money to contribute to our household.
* have been at home all day and my bins are still sitting on the kerbside despite the garbage having been taken away at dawn.
* I have added more activites to my Pinterest board dedicated to the best activities for kids. I have collected so many great activities and, to date, I have sat down with the kids and done exactly.... none. But at least my Pinterest board looks good.
* ate too many Tim Tams and I didn't care which multinational company produced them and how fat I'll get or that Sarah Wilson quit sugar and I don't want to.

You know when you've mastered the guilt emotion when you feel guilty because you know you should be buying Australian made, sustainably grown, ethically sewn, non synthetic clothes but you're scouring Target for a t-shirt for my four year old with his favourite (somewhat violent) Lego Chima character plastered on the front.

And then people make comments about your kids which leave you feeling judged. Yesterday I was reminded that some people need to comment (sometimes with backhanded compliments).

Random #1 woman at the shops: "Is that your daughter? She's gorgeous!"
Me (smiling): "Thank you"
Random #1: "We were just worried about her on her scooter, near the road."
Oh. Thanks. I was trying to let her have some independence and I was pretty certain she wouldn't go on the road because she is terrified of cars.

And then there's the doozy. Child has just chucked the BIGGEST tantrum ever witnessed in public because I didn't buy a toy in from the supermarket despite being warned that I wasn't buying toys.

Random woman #2 has been watching, has made eye contact several times and I'm waiting for the comment when she spouts "Oh I remember that age." I give her a knowing, thankful look and she continues "It is THE BEST age.Trust me, it only gets harder." And there I was feeling sorry for myself.

Thanks!

In all seriousness though, parenting takes commitment, tears and people who you can vent with, wine and whine with - even if you're both whining and wining on other ends of the phone. There probably wasn't any malice in either of those comments but the judgement of others can be frustrating.

I think our own guilt can be the most detrimental to how we see ourselves as parents.

I'd better get off this computer and remove my daughter from where I plonked her in front of the tv when we got home.

Is there anything you'd like to add to this list? Feel free to comment on my FB page:

http://www.facebook.com/MissMayBlossom

introducing Baby #3

I have been absent from my blog for some weeks now and I am not writing to apologise.

Four weeks ago I gave birth to a beautiful, healthy baby boy. The weeks leading up to his arrival were tough, physically, and I would be lying if I said I wasn't worried by the impending delivery.

Would the baby arrive safe and sound? Did it really hurt as much as I remember? How will I cope with a lack of sleep? How can we possibly juggle the needs of three young children, let alone our own? Am I ready?

Well, baby A is a month old and he's healthy. We're getting an "ok" amount of sleep. We have adjusted our expectations of how we manage our family. If we're 'on time' that's fine. If we're not that's ok too. If we are ready for visitors that's great. If we're not, then that's ok too. It also helps that J and I are on the same page. He's picked up the pieces where I can't and we are looking after each other. Parenting is definitely not a one person job and I'm so grateful to be sharing this responsibility with a beautiful man.

Oh - and yes - it hurt as much as I remember, and more. A was born in the bath which sounds all lovely and calm and it might have been had I not been SCREAMING at the top of my lungs for the three hours preceding his arrival. As it happened I couldn't have cared less where he was born in the end!

That moment of dreamy and exhilarating relief when I held A in my arms was as I remember it - overwhelming and utterly beautiful. I have tears in my eyes now just thinking about those moments and wondering if I'll ever have that privilege again. They happen in an instant and must be some of the most poignant of a lifetime. There is no bigger responsibility than that of caring for another human being - vulnerable and new and pink and divine.

Since A was born I have been caught up with the usual - feeds, resting when I can, cooking and running the household, school drop-offs and pick-ups, getting out and walking as much as I can and enjoying social engagements (and the odd glass of wine!) Our two older children are smothering A with love and cuddles and often as they can. We couldn't be more proud of how they've stepped up to the role of big brother and big sister.

More importantly I have been gazing at my boy, staring in to his deep blue eyes. Somewhere in between feeds and sleeps and nappy changes comes the beauty of the early days of having a newborn - having to be completely and utterly in the moment. There aren't many things you can do whilst breastfeeding and I think it's that way for a reason. I've had to focus on my boy and the time we spend together. There is nothing more precious.

Miss May Blossom http://www.facebook.com/MissMayBlossom